2014

Yep, jumping on that bandwagon.

I’ll be honest, 2013 was horrible with a small little splash of good, like three rain drops in the ocean.  B’s mental health really took it’s toll this year on both of us.  I don’t wish to relive the months of June through pretty much the rest of the year. Watching your spouse crumble from a combination of his childhood demons and personal struggles is a nightmare. To offer perspective, I considered hospitalizing him at one point.  It was possibly one of the most horrific times of my adult life thus far.

So 2012 was hard, 2013 was possibly harder but damn it, 2014 is not going to kick my ass. I am not a New Year’s resolution type girl. I don’t stick to it. But here are my hopes for the year.

– Learn to take care of myself better. I am one who puts all others first, I know this is my best and worst trait. I realized with B’s mental health that I am a freaking strong woman and that I need to act like it more often. I don’t need to put up with anyone’s shit and it doesn’t matter who those people are. Some times those people you have to cut out are the people who are suppose to be the ones you lean on.

-Get B to a state of better mental health. I can’t fix him. No therapist can fix him. BUT I can help him believe in himself again by being a good wife and being a good wife doesn’t always mean treading lightly. It means standing up to him when he wants to let himself fall and telling him to get up off his battered and bruised ass. It means being brutally honest with him about his family and their treatment of himself and me.

-100% honest. I would like another child. Damn, L was hard and still is some times but I know that in my heart I would like another child. I need to learn how to be at peace waiting until B is in a better mental state. I am not sure what that means for my hopes of a second child but I know that I need to learn patience with this dream.

-Learn to love my job for what it is. I am in a position that is high stress, demanding and difficult at times. That being said, I know I can do it well when I really try and I know that my work is valuable. I don’t sell a random product or something inconsequential, I work for an organization that saves lives based upon the money that I fundraise. So work like each day I could be saving a life.

– Get back to my own hobbies and loves. I miss running. I miss reading. I miss blogging and cooking ( just started to get my groove back cooking adventurously.) Taking care of myself means a better quality of life. I started doing this last year when I joined a mothers group. It is a bible study, which is totally not me, but it allows me to connect to other mothers. It allows me two hours a week in the evening where I just get away for myself.

– Take care of my marriage. 15 years have gone by with B. 15 freaking years. We have struggled and soared. When you get married you don’t realize the work it will take. You don’t know that you will spend as many moments loving your spouse as you do wanting to kick them in the head. I’m not sure what taking care of my marriage means but I do know that if we can survive the last few years that we can work through a lot of things headed our way in the next 15. I want my child to look at his parents and know they love each other and see our relationship as something to aspire to in his own marriage.

I’m sure there is a million other things that I could do this year and want to do this year but as I was undecorating the Christmas tree prior to this post I discovered an enormous spider web in it and that shit isn’t cool.

So here’s to 2014. Bring it.

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