It’s been a long time since I really spent time blogging. I miss it. My 140 letter tweets have filled the space that blogging once took. But I think it is so easy to use twitter to hide.
I’ve been struggling.
I struggled in my career with the big university that shall remain nameless. I HATED my job. I hated being away all the time. I hated not having the time to be a part of my own community and actually meet people. When you travel for two to three weeks a month, the last thing you want to do is not be with your spouse the little time you do have at home. That was two years ago. Since then I have changed so very much. Life has changed.
A baby. A new job. First real job for my husband.
Now? I like my job. But I have a new struggle. I am the one that never said she wanted to be a stay at home mom, I didn’t think it would be a fit for me. Now I sit here biting back tears bc I wish I could spend my days with my son. My child. Instead he goes to a great daycare and someone else gets to love him each day. So I struggle with the thoughts of helping provide for my family and the internal desire to take care of my child. L prefers my husband, which I know is because my husband is the crazy goofy fun one. But it still tears at my heart when he screams while I try to take him from B’s arms. Is my working what does this? He cries when B drops him off at daycare. Doesn’t even flinch when I do. It breaks my heart.
And marriage? People tell you having kids is hard on your marriage. But they don’t say how or why it is so hard. It’s just like when you hear that you won’t sleep after kids but you never truly know the realities of how hard a baby is until you have your own. L didn’t sleep through the nite until around a year. There are still bad nites all the time. So for over two years I have slept like shit on a multiple nite a week basis. It is hard on the mental health. Which is hard on the marriage. We are both tired and snappy. I love my husband like mad, but there are things that we both do. We are much harder on each other than we ever were before. We snap quicker. We use harsher words. It all makes my heart sad. I still harbor feelings of lack of support in regards to my relationship with his mother.
I am still ten pounds over my pre baby weight. And I hate it. I feel disgusting on a daily if not hourly basis. Don’t sleep well? Makes you want to eat shit. Don’t eat well? Where would the motivation to work out come from? Don’t feel good about yourself? Well why would your husband find you attractive? It is all a vicious cycle!
I don’t even know what all else is going on in my head, but lord. I need to get it out.